Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOw3sNQTro8
My response to the photograph specifically took me to the ending of this video game. This features a prerendered cinematic cutscene. To simplify the story, Klonoa (the main character) alongside his friend Huepow, have saved the dream world of Phantomile. Following this Klonoa assumes that he will be able to stay with Huepow and continue playing as friends. However this is not the case as Klonoa learns he to be pulled back into his own world. Huepow knew this was going to happen but felt unable to tell Klonoa the truth until the very end. Huepow explains to Klonoa that their memories together weren't real, they were fake. Klonoa refuses to accept this and desires to stay. Although Huepow initially stands by as Klonoa is dragged away, eventually he rushes towards Klonoa in an attempt to stop them returning home. Unfortunately there's nothing that be done and Klonoa is forced to return. As Heupow's world begins to flourish with bright green grass and colourful flowers he sheds a tear for his friend but smiles, suggesting that in some way they'll always have their memories of each other. This is signified by the final scene showing Heupow in what could possibly be some sort of diary or scrap book. During the final credits the book is flicks through from the end of the game to the beginning until the front cover is closed and the game ends.
Let us now consider what the ending to this video game represents:
- The ending of friendships
- Memories
- Dreams, or rather 'Dream Worlds'
- Personal archives
With these in mind, let us now consider how this connects to my childhood experiences.
1) - The Ending of Friendships:
The ending of friendships in childhood felt like a running theme. Firstly, I moved into a different junior school in the last year. Although there were up's and down's in my first junior school I was relatively happy. I specifically remember the final day when other children came up to me and said that they would miss me. Until that point I don't think I'd given it all that much thought. I even remember thinking that I didn't have that many friends at school and now there are others coming to me and telling me that they'd miss me.
One of my friends from where I grew up left my neighbourhood around the same time and I struggled with how to deal with that. I was upset but found myself concluding that I wasn't allowed to show how upset I was.
I sometimes feel as if I had missed opportunities for friendships in childhood. I'll never forget the time a group of children came to the house to ask if I wanted to play. I certainly did but since there was a strict no noise policy inside the house, the children who came knocking were chastised for creating a noise.
I successfully made friends in my second junior school but I was unable to these friendships out of school since I lived so far away from everyone else. I remember how it felt having to tell them that, “No, I can’t go to your house after school” and, “No, I can’t see you at the weekend.” Eventually those friends just give up trying.
Making friends at high school was especially difficult. However on holiday it always seemed easier. When I grew up I realised that it's likely because when you meet someone on holiday it's a completely fresh start and a blank slate; there's no history involved and I could feel safer to be myself. Although not always successfully, I did indeed make friends on holiday and I hated it when the holidays finished and you'd have to go home. The only realistic exchange we could make in the late 90's and early 2000's were home telephone numbers and physical addresses; although I did swap these sometimes, friendships never really continued past the holidays. With the gradual introduction of the internet we could swap email addresses instead. This happened one on occasion but by this point I had become a very lonely teenager. That was the first friendship that ended because of my own actions and is something that has stuck with me for a long time. If anything, I’m glad social media didn’t exist at this time because it would’ve frankly been disastrous experience for me.
2) - Memories:
My interest in memories began to develop in my early 20's and coincided with my interest in dreams too. As I've grown older I've come to realise that memories are complicated. They exist as single moments but are tangled with various other moments and events. A single memory can be powerful but I believe that when understood in a wider context it can become something far more meaningful. I’ve grown to understand and even appreciate that memories are not always factual ‘truths’ but emotional ones; further complicating their existence. In the context of friendships, there isn’t a singular memory or a singular event that's important but rather a string of memories and events that hold meaning for me. In my late 20's during a period of depression there was a lot of deep reflecting on previous negative memories and experiences with friendships that led to their endings. Coinciding this I witnessed myself purposefully creating fractures in my friendships almost as if sabotaging them whilst concluding, 'If I'm so good at destroying friendships, let's just get it over with then’. The difficulty in this period of my life was in lacking an understanding of my own behaviours; when friends fell silent I’d suddenly go running back to demand their attention and so they cycle would repeat until all involved became far too exhausted.
3) - Dreams:
My interest in dream correlates with my interest in memories which I began recording between the ages of 17 and 19. I still record my dreams and hold over 1100 of them. As with memories, a singular dream can indeed be powerful but again, only when understood in a wider context their meanings become far more impactful and meaningful. It's the difference between sharing one dream that heavily features one of my friends or sharing how frequently that same friend appears throughout the total of my dreams.
4) - Personal Archives:
Although I experimented keeping a written diary in my late teens, my diaries eventually became photographic. During lockdown I had time to organise my photographs and create 'Timeline' documents which included various other forms of media such as film, music, drawings and other creations. Creating these equated to a form of self-directed Narrative Therapy; it was fun, but sometimes revelatory. These 'timeline' documents were arranged into individual years but again although one document is interesting it's only when understood within the context of the others that it becomes a powerful and meaningful project.
The Connection:
The connection between the photograph and the video reveals themes of childhood in relation to friendships; specifically the endings of friendships. Although the photograph’s main focus is the church, it is actually the bunting that serves as the emotional catalyst for exploration and so serves as the photographs ‘Punctum’.
The construction reflects childhood experience of making and losing friends both in school and on holiday. In childhood there were feelings of sadness but perhaps of powerlessness too; the feeling that ‘nothing can be done’ and, ‘I have no choice but to accept this’. Curiously, perhaps it these feelings that led to difficulties in teenage friendships; could it be that a fear of unexpected endings resulted in overbearing behaviours that ironically lead to further endings? To potentially delve deeper into this one could consider childhood attachment styles and in my case could be defined as anxious or ambivalent
Although we are exploring childhood experiences, exploration regarding my experiential relationship with my parents may lead to further insight.
Through it’s squeaky voices, it’s colours and cartoon like appearance, the video also perhaps communicates innocence which again relates back to childhood.
Together, the photograph and video perhaps communicate a bitter sweetness, the fun and adventure of childhood but the sadness that is inevitably encountered alongside it.
My interest in dreams and memories are communicated through both mediums. The photograph expresses childhood memories whilst the video references ‘a dream world’. As the video ends in what appears to be a scrapbook one could suggest this represents a sense of capturing both dreams and memories because they are important. The question then follows, why? Some of these childhood experiences go back almost 30 years and yet there clearly exists a desire (or even a motivation) to explore these. My archiving of both dreams and memories suggests a desire to revisit them, but again, why? Perhaps in a quest to discover something unresolved.
To conclude, the final construction potentially reveals the following:
Childhood
Friendships
Innocence
Attachment Styles
Resolution
Conclusion:
It is important to recognise that the construction doesn’t ‘solve’ or ‘fix’ anything emotionally, rather it seems to serve two purposes. Firstly it acts as a potential alternative route to self exploration which may lead to some personal discoveries. Secondly it serves as emotional containment which will be explored later.
It is a visual expression that is the product of physical ‘effort’. To break this down, this involves,
the act of looking
the act of taking the photograph
the act of uploading the photograph to another device
the act of sourcing the video
the act of putting the two together
This sense of ‘effort’ allows me to feel as if I’m actively ‘doing something’ to increase my emotional wellbeing through expression, exploration and examination of self. To compare my experiences with the act of talking in traditional therapy, this has often left me with a feeling of aimless rambling; words and sentences thrown around in all different directions without any sense of resolution following their expression. Although verbal expressions can indeed be received and understood effectively by others, it’s as if they fling through the air as sound waves and eventually dissipate into nothing. (Interestingly I have noticed that when I feel a sense of depression I seem to enter a state where it feels as if my vocal chords cannot operate; as if during those periods I conclude that there’s no effective point in making them produce sounds that become words. Perhaps this comes from a lack of belief that they will be effectively well received, let alone accepted and understood; certainly a separate route of exploration) Alternatively, visual expressions can be preserved, remain lasting and although not forever, the memory of it can stay far longer in the memory than spoken words. This is my personal experience, but it echoes the ideas of The Picture-Superiority Effect which, “…refers to the finding that, all else being equal, pictures are remembered better than words.”
My initial intent was to express, even if during that initial stage I’m unsure exactly what to express; there’s a sense of fun and enjoyment that comes with that process - who knows where it’s going to lead… but let’s find out - allowing that sense of curiosity and even perhaps adventure leading the way. Exploration then follows through sourcing the video.
Examination can be both fun and enjoyable but sometimes tough. The fun for myself comes from dissecting the material; picking it apart to find something of interest and then hopefully something of meaning and value. The tough part comes from the discovery of what that is because as a self-directed form of therapy I’m the left with the question, ‘well what do I ‘do’ with this now?’ I’ve already ‘done’ the first part of ‘doing’ through physical effort, what happens next? However, those feelings appear more manageable because it also feels like a whole collection of thoughts, feelings and experiences have been emotionally contained within this final construction. They are certainly not at all obvious to anyone else, but they have been captured in a simple but effective and powerful way. It is then no longer just about the effort and expression, but about emotional containment; these things now exist externally within the boundaries of this construction and (to be comical for moment) no longer remain internally bound to a bunch of neurons jumping around my brain!
I feel it important to reference the lack of words involved in this creation. Even the words the characters speak in the video are from a fictional language that often descends into squeaky gibberish. I find a greater sense of psychological safety when removed from the explicit use of words; especially when it comes to exploring a collection of emotions. This is perhaps due to my own negative historical experiences of words. From my first explorations of keeping a hand written diary which I found tedious and boring, to my spilling out of raw emotions through text messages and emails specifically, all of which usually were not received very well (and in some cases rightly so). So my relationship with words has never been all that great.
However, I also feel that perhaps one complications with using visual materials rather than written or spoken languages is it’s complexity. A single piece of visual media can include a whole variety of complicated thoughts, feelings and experiences and this can potentially be a little overwhelming for some, perhaps leading to responses such as, ‘I don’t know… I just like it’. I personally feel that by applying a systemic semiological approach works to alleviate this complication because it breaks everything down into various personal ‘signposts’. My view is that although the language of semiotics can seem daunting, it can be simplified to consider how each piece of visual information works as a signpost to communicate something personally specific.
